Most of us who were
born in Nigeria take a lot
of things for granted.
The kind of trauma we
experience daily would
send the average
Japanese guy flying out
a 23rd floor window.
Make no mistake about
it, Nigeria is a warfront.
Don’t ask me to explain
-- if you are a Nigerian,
you experience it every
day and if you are not,
well, Google it.
Somehow, we survive.
It is not that we are
superhuman. We have
only been blessed with
the most efficient
coping mechanisms.
Hope is a product made
in Nigeria. Hope made
outside Nigeria is a
weak imitation based
on concrete facts or
expectations. The
Nigerian hope, albeit
based on nothing, is far
stronger and more
useful. So when we
experience poverty and
corruption and
bombings and
underdevelopment, we
HOPE that things get
better. There is no
basis for this -- the
government will not do
anything differently, we
will not do anything
differently. We just
hope. And this hope will
carry us and keep us
going until the next
bombing or bout of
hunger.
While we hope,
however, we have also
developed or identified
practical tools to help us
survive the horror that
is Nigeria.
Motivational books.
Every poor Nigerian who
can write his name
knows the value of a
foreign motivational
book. If you don’t have
one, you are not a
complete Nigerian. You
can however remedy
this by going to the
nearest junction,
where, in the hold-up,
you will find glossy
treasures like Rich Dad,
Poor Dad; How to Be a
Successful CEO; Seven
Habits of highly
Successful People. It
doesn’t matter that
you will probably never
become a CEO. It just
helps to know. A
motivational book
keeps you going even
when your salary has
not been paid. They tell
these amazing stories
of exceptional people
who came from lowly
backgrounds and
became world famous.
Someone once said that
motivational books are
misleading because
they take exceptions
and turn them into the
rule. You must never
listen to that kind of
evil talk. God will judge
those who criticise
those life saving books.
Cherish your
motivational book. Take
it along when you are
going out. It doesn’t
really matter if you read
it. The intention
reflected in your always
having the book in your
sweaty palms is all that
matters.
Alomo bitters. This is
one of the greatest
cheap gifts to Nigerians.
The Nigerian god,
knowing the Nigerian
propensity for
unreliability, outsourced
this important coping
mechanism to a
Ghanaian company
called Kasapreko
Company Limited who
have, since 1989, been
producing this herbal
alcoholic wonder packed
with such fast-acting
power that I can swear
that Nigerians have
been happier since it
came to town. You see,
the battles we fight
daily mean we are in an
emergency. There is no
time or money for beer,
wine and other weak
drinks that take forever
to give happiness.
Alomo goes to the
heart of the matter,
quickly dealing with
whatever sorrows the
Nigerian nation may
have directly or
indirectly heaped on you.
The night is not
complete without it.
Someone claimed
recently that Alomo
Bitters is a national
epidemic that was
destroying the lives of
many Nigerians. God will
truncate his hustle for
talking about what he
doesn’t know. Our life
expectancy is already
so low. Why live it in
sorrow?
Third-rate Mexican
telenovelas with super
imposed English voices
are another important
diversion from the
Nigerian warfront. Find
one and be hopelessly
addicted to it. It doesn’t
matter which one,
whether ‘Esmeralda’; or
‘When You Are Mine’; or
‘Catalina and Sebastian’.
You need to immerse
yourself in these
stories, usually about
the whole universe
conspiring against a
steamy love affair.
Those who look down
on it don’t realise that it
is a metaphor for the
Nigerian situation. Think
of it, even the way
their voices are
different from the
mouth movements is a
metaphor for our
politicians who say one
thing but mean another.
Mexico may be a
country beset by drug
violence and all, but God
has used them to
lighten our burdens. God
bless their hustle
against those wicked
drug dealers.
Facebook. We are still
not sure who brought it
to Nigeria. But God bless
that person’s glorious
hustle. We now have a
place where we can be
activists, insult the
government, post nice
flattering pictures of
ourselves and generally
blab about how
magnificent or
miserable our hustle is.
Nothing is more
therapeutic than a good
hearty rant. If you can
write your name, please
get a Facebook account.
It is free. Your blood
pressure will never be
the same again. But if
you have lost elections,
the place for you to let
off steam is Twitter.
Twitter is opposition-
and-failed-politician-
heaven. As an ex-
something, you can go
there and talk about a
Marxist revolution even
though you have 10
luxury cars with
customised number
plates, while you wait
and prepare for the
next elections.
Perhaps the strongest
painkiller for our
problems is God. I have
explained this very
carefully in the article
‘ How to Worship the
Nigerian god’. If you
haven’t read it, don’t be
lazy, Google it.
Other coping
mechanisms include
DSTV (bless South
Africa), which ensures
that our foreign football
addiction is taken care
of; Africa Magic, which
forces us to suspend
common sense to the
Glory of God; and
ascribing all our
problems to demonic or
spiritual attacks, which
keeps the Nigerian god
busy and financed.
Whatever mechanism
you choose, may God
find you at the point of
your need and
permanently bless your
hustle.
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